Mercury in Virgo
Real intense back to school vibes with Mercury in Virgo and September 1st being on a Monday. Are you cleaned up and prepared for another fall season? This September has eclipses in Virgo and Pisces, so a big reminder to let go of something that grips you and keeps you away from feeling free.
For me? Judging myself just as I begin. I never feel ready for school to start. I am almost always hurt this time of year in one way or another. My first day of Kindergarten I wasn’t able to wear my backpack because of a broken collarbone I got the weekend before. This year it’s my bruised tibia (cue activia SFX). We’re on week 6 of walking with a leaky bleedy bone and while it’s really slowed down my summer, I’m so grateful that bodies heal. They may not heal on my timeline, or within my threshold of patience, which is extremely short, but they do heal.
Avert your eyes if you don’t like hairy legs (Mom)
I think my whole life I’ll be learning patience and it literally makes me so impatient. So, I’m practicing surrendering to impatience and living in the nebulous of unsure. I’m unsure about so many things that I thought I wanted, so many things I thought were coming to me. This morning, I got the news that City Lyric Opera, a company I have loved from afar and was so happy to work with this upcoming year to FINALLY bring Rita Libretto her due, has had to go on hiatus and is cancelling their entire season. Is it heartbreaking because in the back of my mind I knew this was a large possibility or is it worse because I desperately wished I was wrong? I don’t know. I am grateful that I had the hope something would happen with Rita because it got me to really diligently work on her over the last 4 months. And while I don’t have a performance upcoming, I do have a full draft completed and much more of an idea of what I need to make her really happen. I want to feel gratitude that I have put so much work into her but I also feel so unsure of what to do next. Nubulous. Truth is, I was really excited to finally share her with the world, which I still should do…
This fall I want to be an audition SLUT. I want to audition for everything under the goddamn sun and throw spaghetti against the wall and see what sticks. Because someone other than me HAS to like what I do. They just do - I refuse to believe otherwise. This is the area where I feel more bruised than my knee as I beginning another audition season. This biz is full of rejections and almosts and keep tryings and I refuse to allow myself to feel more validated by rejection than by success. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I know what I have to offer, and I know I still have more to grow… but damn it I’m gonna slut it up for the panels this fall and give it my best dang shot.
As the eclipses come closer and closer, I really would love to give up feeling less than worthy to share my creativity. That is so much what this blog has been about, a way that I can express my thoughts in sometimes their most raw format. Because the truth is we are NEVER ready for the beginning of school, anymore than we were ready to be born, and as a preemie I came out all waxy and jaundice, and I was still the fortunate one.
