16 Thoughts - October
October 16th! My half birthday and 10 months into 2026. Holy shit … we’re here. The last season, the last chapter, the last quarter. Here are some thoughts.
What do you spend your heart on? What can you sell to your heart? What in your life is the most precious? Venus went retrograde early in the month, Mercury is going retrograde soon, (both stationing direct Nov 13th!) have got me on my priority game. We have a little less than 3 months left of this year, how are the goals? How are the shifts? When you strip everything away, what are the things you want to add back first?
Okay- so I have had this idea for like a decade and a half but what if you could teleport and you would use body fat as fuel. Like how could this happen? I’m reading up on the laws of relativity and I’m understanding your mass changes when you go at very high speeds so I’m thinking we should look in this direction. I recognize with my power of great thought and this body fat teleportation device that I am inventing new ways for people to disorderly eat. But you’d use it right? Like you could see the world and measure it in how much cheese you eat. Would it zap your time too? Like you could travel very fast but you would lose a few days of the end. The jet lag I experienced last month coming back from Europe was brutal and I did lose a few days to it. How would it feel to go so fast as to teleport? Pluto in aquarius? Did anyone see that Musk put out a half flying car yesterday? Just as Pluto stationed direct? We’re getting there.
The postal service is very cool. I have a friend who lives in LA and we stay in touch mainly as pen pals. He means the world to me and I’m grateful the post service is available for us to use. I wonder if our mail carriers have recognized our letters. Please also use this thought as a PSA to vote either by mail or in person. Make a voting plan early and help your friends and neighbors that need it. You can register to vote in NYC up until 10/24 and the election is Tuesday, November 3rd. You can remember November 3rd because I found my cat Ebony on November 2nd in 1994 and here is his picture of him.
Me and Ebony’s last picture together 2013
4. I’ve been newly introduced to an IG account called Great advice for Shitty people and I have a submission: Get coffee with milk on the side and then complain when you spill your milk into it. Deb rated it bad but I think it’s funny.
5. 07696931 - that’s my code number for my complaint to the mta. The 7 train escalators at court square are mostly always out of order and I’ve called 511 every time I’ve walked up those steps. It usually takes 3-4 minutes before you speak to a human but it takes me 5-6 to walk up all those fucking stairs and I’m strong and fast. It’s bull shit and I don’t know who else to talk to, I called the mayors office and left a message but they don’t have a designated place for MTA complaints so I had to do it about a disruption in a public space. The escalators and elevators were broken since before August 16 and have only been “intermittently” fixed. I’ve taken to going a completely different route to avoid these crowded and long stairs. Also kind of funny, when I talked to a lady at 511 the connection was a little bad and said she escalated my complaint. I wasn’t sure what I heard and responded, “No, the escalator is broken!” So that was kind of funny. But really - For as many people that spend so much money to take the train how can we not get some escalators and an elevator fixed?
6. Disfocused/unfocused. Catching it in the moment and realigning. Prioritizing what needs being done and getting that done first. Leave some flexibility but that is the structure and that needs to happen first. First choice best choice. Keep going
7. This is a thought in recognition of the shadow hug… Fall in New York. It is the time of year where the streets are damp and the subways are still with a frigid, humid air in the tunnels under the streets of New York City. And sometimes… just sometimes- you find a spot to sit on the train that has been kept dry and warm by the ghost of its former tenant. A respite in the rain. This ghostly embrace is something I’m calling a shadow hug. An now an ode: Ah shadow hug, a warming plate waiting for me. I greet you in need of a hug, cold and damp from October, and your absence keeps me warm, your shadow my shadow. someone else - someone else who was here, but they were never here for me. No - not for me, because if they were here, then I couldn’t be me. Me here. The me who is sitting and receiving this shadow hug. If they were here I wouldn’t be here and I wouldn’t have had the chance to be warmed by their absence. Now, Let’s turn the page on this hot summer oh no oh no. 80s? Still? No no no I’m ready for fall. And shadows.
8. A curse that came twice - October 1st and October 5th. My family has been through the loss of one twin, twice in two consecutive generations. My younger cousins’ birthday falls 4 days before Erin’s death day and this was the first birthday that they weren’t both here. I’ve been grieving them both a lot. Trying to listen to what they say. Trying to recognize Erin’s face in the mirror.
9. Look at your face in the mirror, I am there insiiiiide!! Okay - so I went to go see Masquerade, the interactive theatrical experience of Phantom of the Opera. I’m a big phantom phan, so much so, that the show closed after 35 years on broadway on my 35th birthday. How many of you can say that? A friend of mine is a carpenter on this new iteration and I was able to get me some discounted tickets, usually they start at $200 and go all the way up to $500 so I’m happy for the help. The ticket gets you into the building where they shuffle you around as a “guest of the opera house”, bringing you from room to room watching the story of Phantom of the Opera unfold live right in front of you! (Except for the orchestra that’s prerecorded along with some of the singing that’s prerecorded.. Buuuut, it’s mostly live which we love). What I, unfortunately, did not love was quite a bit of the performance. Let me start by saying this show is notoriously hard to sing, and people underestimate that difficulty because it’s a popular show. People in general also undervalue good singing so maybe I’m just barking up the wrong trees. However, the most offensive part of the performance, and yes I was offended, was that the Madame Giry was an actress in her 20s, ironically named “Baby”. Now, I’m not saying Madame Giry needs to be 85 years old but the bitch has to be at least 45 - no? She’s been with the opera house long enough to have had her own career, turn to teaching, hide the phantom, and have a kid and watch her grow up… so yeah I’m saying at least 40/45 MINIMUM. Right? And this city is FLOODED with talent, and this is what we have to show for it? For even a discounted ticket at $120 - I’m sorry but that’s not good enough for me. Forgive me but when seeing a professional show in NEW YORK CITY, I expect professional, dare I say “mature” vocal sounds. It was giving college play. You can not call something immersive and then expect people to suspend the disbelief of the young girl playing an older woman. I still had a great time and loved hearing the music and the carpentry was WORLD CLASS. Thank you Alaska for the tix. <3
10. Donald <– Unfortunately this was all that I left myself on notes for this thought. But the look of those letters and knowing what they stand for boils my blood. Jane Doe… I hear you, we all hear you. The stories that are coming forth since hers broke have me wanting to share mine more but careful to do it. So now I guess I can just write Donald and we all know.
11. Venus retrograde. Every 18 months Venus goes retrograde and I feel it very heavily. We are in the part of the journey where Venus is being stripped of the things that give her power, and shown that they don’t have as much lasting effect as you might have thought. Venus is in my first house of body and I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I accidentally slept in my contacts the other night. I coudn’t figure out what was happening, why my eyes were all crusty and fucked up. I haven’t slept in contacts in maybe 15 years. Fortunately (or unfortunately), I have a very expressive vessel. My body will always overreact and I’ve just come to accept that. As I learn more about astrology I think it’s probably from the proximity of Venus to my rising sign. Be it music, sport, story, theater, intimacy- my body is very expressive. And I am such a singer. Venus in Gemini? In the first house? Of course, she’s a singer. I used to feel like the neurotic side of the singer - The diva, I can’t eat tomatoes in the afternoon, gotta steam before bed, stretch everyday, drink ginger tea, type of singer. To be truthful though, that shit helps! It makes singing so much easier when you prioritize vocal health. I’ve got a lot of singing lined up. Dante, Christmas gigs, Messiah, Recital, More Ritas- and I want to find the balance of being the best and healthiest singer without going nuts and without stopping my whole life to do it. And not saying I need to make a ton of sacrifices to make this shift but sometimes I think I do things I know are potentially harmful because I don’t care at the moment. But it’s future-Rebecca's moments that I need to protect.
12. Okay this one is about student loans. I took out $65,327 to go to a state undergrad school and a state graduate school both with scholarships and grants for grades and talents. I always worked through school, summers, and during session, while playing a sport for the first 4 years, and didn’t have much else to live on. To this date I have paid $65,900 and the loans have gone down to owing $44,029. Now the Federal gov’t is taking away these loans and saying that these specialties aren’t worth investing in… Well ya think? But also they’re also making so much money off me, I’m surprised they don’t want to keep it going. Can we look into the TARP Act to do something with this? I know it was to bail out banks but I think this should fall under “troubled assets” to promote financial market stability within classical music. No? Any lawyers out there? Damn, should I have been a lawyer? Is it too late?
13. Dante!!!! I am so happy to say that I have written over an hour of music that will be performed on November 16th at Purgatory Bar in BK as we watch the 1911 Milano Film “Dante’s Inferno”. If you’re in NYC please come to the depths of hell with us. As I look back on this year I think this composition and finally performing Rita will be two HUGE career markers for me. Finally stepping into myself and saying outloud - “oh yea, I’m a composer” has felt gigantic. Thank you to everyone who has helped me believe this is real. I owe a lot to my blog practice this year as well - just get up and do it. No matter if you think it matters or not… you never know which thing will stick. And I’m frequently pretty sticky.
14. I’m putting out feelers now for 15-minute Tarot readings. Send me $20 I’ll give you a 15 minute video reading in your inbox within 24 hours. Does this sound like a good deal? I think so! Yearly readings have already begun booking as well - sliding scale of $70-100 for an hour and we’ll look at all of 2027. Message me below to book!
15. Whaaa. I miss counted? I thought I had all my thoughts in a row and I was one short! I guess I need to think of something quick… ummmm Are they inventing new pasta shapes? Or like are we just done and these are the shapes we’ll use forever? Think on that.
16. Not everyone has to know and understand every bit of your life. Ha! Hilarious to write on a blog about me reaching out to people to understand my life. But it’s still true - no one will know you as intimately as you know yourself and to experience life is a supremely lonely event. I have felt that loneliness in such a literal way this month as I look in a mirror and I see another version of me. A reflection of a woman who could have been 38 and 1/2 today had she made it this far in the stretch of life. That’s how I’m choosing to think of life today, as a stretch. Erin only stretched in time so far… physically. But I’m still expanding. I’m still increasing. I’ll never know what could have been had we been a family of 5 instead of 4. But we were, eventually, a family or 5 …And then 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11… and as you grow older you understand that the people that fall under the umbrella of family expands even as generations change and die away. And then I think maybe Erin is still stretching and pulling me to understand the limitations that bind all of us. And therein the preciousness that we get to experience this stretch of time together.
